How do you deal with death if you don’t believe in God?

10 Jun

Life sucks, and then you die. Well, my mom’s passing away is the first time I can relate with that phrase.

Best person I know, wouldn’t hurt a fly… kept the family together. Worked all her life, sacrificed her health to help me get by. All that I am, all that I have achieved is somehow related to her. That little push, that big help in key moments – she was always there.

And then she got the bad news – she had cancer. The deadly type. Just when her second youth was about to begin. Pension. Quality time. Peace and quiet. She didn’t get that. She lived with the clock ticking and we, the ones who loved her – we heard that clock. I heard that clock every day for two and a half years. Tic-toc.

I got to spend time with her at the end. I had to hear my mother say she was pissed off to have awaken one more day. I had to hear her tell me not to go away and leave her in her misery.

I had to hear myself say “it’s better for her if she goes”.

“She goes”. I never believed she goes anywhere… She’s gone… that’s another thing.

Easy for believers to let go. They get the hope…

For me, I know there’s no hope. No “after”. No “reunited”. She’s just gone and I can’t deal with it yet. I’m trying. I wish I could believe in something. I wish it so badly…

I do believe in our ability to forget. Even if we don’t want to.

I don’t want to forget. I need to.

D.

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